so first journal entry huh. it's taken forever for me to get around to actually writing this because i keep fucking with and stressing over site layout and i decided to trash everything i had, build something very simple that works on both desktop and mobile devices (hopefully), and just start writing, because holy shit i've been wanting to use this multiple times this past week but i didn't actually have a functioning layout!! and now i can write!! freedom!!

tbh the more i code the more i realize that ayano is actually the one who's passionate about this stuff and i just like the end result, which is confusing because i used to really like coding as a kid. perhaps gamedev type coding would be more enjoyable for me, but i have no idea. i keep having to ask ayano to cofront with me or straight up do my code for me because i either don't enjoy it or can't manage to be happy with my code when i do it myself. how she works on stuff like CPG so consistently is an enigma to me. but i guess it's not a big deal because she's happy to help out lmao.

anyways now that i do have the freedom to write i'm just kind of thinking about how suffocating social media can be, for a variety of reasons, even though people make a point to be way too personal about their lives in there. there are many reasons for this but i think the worst part in our modern age is an expectation to be "clean" all the time. like, i have DID, i am autistic, sometimes i talk weird or talk too much and sometimes my life and the things i want to talk about aren't palatable to an audience. sometimes the things i struggle with or my perspective as a traumatized person is upsetting to people. however instead of simply Looking The Other Way, people take this as an opportunity to harass or put words in one's mouth. i haven't personally suffered from this in a long time because i learned my lesson as a teenager, but the past few years of completely shutting in on myself hasn't been good for me. the internet practically raised me when i was young, before social media became what it is now, and it's always been essential to me coping and self-expressing... which has obviously become much harder in this climate, and it sucks. this journal is going to be like my little middle finger to all of that. i will use the internet how i please god damn it.

there is a part of me that, despite saying all of that, feels scared. despite knowing i want to start talking again and not put myself in a self-imposed cage, it is scary somehow to step out of that cage. i'm not used to it. it's like if i were stuck in a dark room for years and i'm trying to walk out into bright daylight and that shit is getting in my eyes and making it hard to see. regardless i'm very excited.

on a lighter note my mom put up the christmas tree last night and my cat fucking LOVES the christmas tree every year, and she's already taken her usual spot under it. i assume she will be staying there for most of the month until christmas passes and we take it down LMAO. here's some pics:

anyways next time i use this thing i'll probably write something more substantial that isn't just about the journal itself. probably. o/